so ive talked about boobies and breast implants condom icecream, penis splitting and an array of other sketchy junk...lets face it the more debacherous the more people want to read about it...it attracts them and pulls them in. I think it calls to the slightly perverted fucker in all of us haha...sad but true right!! so i thought id tackle a few other things...the topic of this week is depression...
There are so so so many different types of depression its not funny...manic..where ur ready to slit your wrists one second and climb the walls the next, skitzophrenia....kinda like multiple personalitly disorder, post natal depression for some of the mum out there, social anxiety disorder, major or chronic depression, and basic depression which most of us have had at some point in time and probably will again... Most ppl hear the words depression and roll there eyes...which is kinda sad..because anyone who has ever suffered knows how it can fuck your shit right up...So where do i fit into this?... well i fit in in the majour depression or chronic depression and social phobia catagory....if u have never suffered...imagine waking up everyday...or wishing u didnt wake up and hating life, hating your surrounding the ppl that care about u...going through the motions...dark deep negativity, the lack of ability to see anything in a posotive light, and thinking every crack in the paving is the one where ur sanity is going to slip thru....the dawn of the darkest day..its bullshit..
of course...i didnt get there on my own...ive always been prone to depressive nature since i was a wee little shit...and yes i supposedly really was a little shit...and willfull...well i still am willfull haha..anyway as a youth i walked the line of self harm...the kind u cant see..like the kind under the bottom of the feet thats crippling to walk on and not visable to others...unlike when i went to tuart college and was in class with a girl that always wore jumpers...when she rolled up her sleeves u could see thousands of cuts all up her arms, not deeper than a surface scratch which to me unlike mine was a cry for attention that im not sure she ever got....been there self mutilation FEELS LIKE a great way to deal with your own pain...at least it was for me....but really...its more a great way to scar your body..thank god for many years post feet and skin regneration properties haha...
anyway most ppl who have never suffered dont understand just what or why people would get so depressed my parents never did altho they knew i suffered.....i didnt go on medication until a few years ago...and being in a relationship where i was made to feel inferior in a fucked up way and that no one would ever want me and the list goes on not surprising...until one day i couldnt get out of bed...so i was carted off to the docs and started medication...technically at the time it was for anxiety...which it helped a lot for...i wasnt diagnosed as majour depression until...the ex of 6 years cheated for much of the time we were together and then left me 2 weeks before our wedding to be with one of his whores...he ont say it was for her but there still together now a year and a half later...i have to say that fucked me over so up went the meds...then when i dated again after a few no go's i get a fuckwit singporian who uses me, hs another gf on the side, lies about trips to another country lies about his work and pretends to be his own neice conversing with me...rips me off for thousands of dollars then leve me $2000 in debt for debt collector for 2 mobiles he convinced me to take out under his name..it ws then i was dignosed with Majour depression..the kind where the doc hs to get special permission to perscribe those doses of meds and a mental health care plan and counselling....ahhh life...in between that constant abuse nd problems with the kids dad, life stress, not knowing where money was coming from for bills ect and deep dark negativity i was pretty fucked up for while...at the end of the day i pulled my shit together...for my kids, learnt how to best handle what money i do have, how to not be so negative, decided to putting dating on hiates for the forseeable future and it worked a fucking treat to get me on the up and up....im a much different person now. Of course...i made one mistake along the way to which i allowed the kids dad despite having a gf to get me to sleep with him so he'd give the kids back...to which i ended up pregnant..he has had nothing to do with it since day one...accept to offer imense bribes like large sums of money and over seas trips in the beginning to make me have an abortion...but bub is due in about three weeks...i made peace with yet another fucked situation...and im happy to have a baby girl join our family even if she wont have a dad...my family will love her like my boys....moral of the story...GOD THIS CHICK FUCKS UP A LOT??? hahha no not at all..that despite dark days and darker odds it is possible to come back from the darkness...but u have to want to come back its one of those....no one will help u if u cant help yourself things....which i did and now i help others..
so next time u hear about someone who has depression think twice...u dont know why or how or the who involved.....my story is much deeper than i explained but thats all im willing toshare with the masses
on a lighter note i find out when im going to be induced tomoro yay :P:P:P
i promise after tackling 4 more of the big issues ill give u something worthy of pissing your pants about!!
caio , bella
No comments:
Post a Comment